I have taken a break from blogging for a while and indeed, even from Facebook, as my moods have been fluctuating so much that I can't seem to keep my inner filter in control and keep managing to...well....piss people off without meaning to.
Since being kicked out of the system for not being mental enough at my assessment plus the fact that Leeds and York Partnership NHS Foundation Trust were not able to offer anything more than chucking a photocopy of a DBT book and a few printed pages from the internet as to how to manage myself, I decided to try the private route. I knew it would cost a lot but was confident that, having experienced private health care in Switzerland, that I would be able to buy effective healthcare over here, right? Wrong.
I approached a well known mental health care institution in the area where I live, to seek outpatient care. My GP duly wrote a letter of referral and after some to-ing and fro-ing, plus appointment letters being sent to the wrong address, I finally got an appointment to be assessed by a Psychiatrist and Clinical Psychologist. An hour and a half cost half my month's wages but I wasn't getting anywhere with the NHS. I was hoping that for those efforts I would receive a report of the assessment and proposal for further support.
I heard nothing.
I had to chase up again and again and finally received the report which stated facts and not a proposal as to how to go further. I quite clearly stated that I had no crisis plan and was struggling, although functioning and that I was nervous that the pressure of working and life events would build up until it got to a stage where I would be unable to manage myself and be putting myself at risk.
I have come to the conclusion that I am going to have to go it alone, that there is no effective support out there and It. Is. Tough.
I am lucky that work gives me some semblance of a routine, but the cracks are starting to show. I have become obsessed with pushing myself harder and harder to prove myself, therefore creating more pressure on myself, insomnia with worry, not being able to let go of work and generally stressing me out, when really, I should be able to focus on things I enjoy - reading, listening to music, exercise.
I am so tired. So, so tired. and each day is a struggle to motivate myself enough to even get out of bed. I have been here before and I know the signs. This could get messy.
I have decided to book time off in September and hopefully just chill out for a couple of weeks. But there is still the niggling though that I will have forgotten something, that I will be found out as a fraud in my job and that I will go back to a whole heap of mistakes made by me that I hadn't realised at the time.
