Wednesday 30 October 2013

Misunderstood?

It's been a tough year.  On the face of it, I have gone some way to righting wrongs, to pay back my medical bills and reimbursing my ex for the share of the health insurance mess that I left behind, but on the other side, I have a permanent contract work wise which has removed the uncertainty of a fixed term contract.

I am thankful for all this and I remind myself frequently of the positives (OK, I have to write them down these days as my memory is fucked), but at what cost?

Let's see....I have alienated a lot of people.  I have found that they have tended to leave me alone, which I can't blame them for really.  It's not that I expect them to excuse my behaviour or accept it, but sometimes it is nice to know that someone is rooting for you, knows you need some space or to let off that excessive energy and irritation that goes with a hypomanic phase. I guess maybe they think I have been drinking too much, which in the past has been the case when I have not felt I have had the support to manage my condition and have taken myself into my own hands while trying, trying, trying to come down. Maybe they just don't like me.

But it is hard, when half the time I don't even remember saying or doing any of the things I am accused of.  My short term memory is really not as it was, hence the reason that I don't think I will be climbing the corporate work ladder anytime soon - I know my limitations and I am nowhere near as sharp as I was. I only find out when I dare to look at facebook and see what I have messaged, or, horror of horrors, god help you if I have your phone number because I will have no doubt sent something which made perfect sense at the time, didn't come across as I wanted it to and probably was downright insulting to the nth degree.

It's lonely. Very lonely. And I am very tired.  I have been focussing this energy into work, working way over my hours and working extra at weekends because the department is short staffed right now.  It's the only way I can attempt to right some wrongs. And I do not feel that I ever will. I do try, I try so hard that it is exhausting. But I feel like I am firefighting all the time, not admitting how I really feel as I do not want to sound needy, having no outlet because I cannot afford private counselling and the local CAMHS are not interested unless I am in a hospitalised state, and finally, just not communicating to anyone appropriately.

It's one of those times that I know if I start crying I don't know when I will stop.

This thing is very lonely and I am drifting. I have no idea how to relate to people anymore and am rapidly running out of close friends. Even reading comments to me on FB have me paranoid and that is probably due to me either having no grip on reality or just some people don't like me.

That is all.